you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm bleeding and have questions
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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