just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I smell stomach acid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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