I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize