I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
