She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Never joke about your clitoris.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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