I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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