so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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