i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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