I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
