you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
