she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
