Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It was confusing and full of hummus
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
