Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
