remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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