I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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