Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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