I can tuck mytits in my pants
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
