He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
