So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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