and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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