[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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