Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
