M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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