Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
