Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I love you.
Bad choice
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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