I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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