I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
