i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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