the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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