im about as happy as oj after his trial
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
