Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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