I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
