I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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