i permit you to call me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
