Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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