You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
