Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
