My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
