i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just want to make out with him forever
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
