I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
