Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
