I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
