dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
