she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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