There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
