i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
