Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
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Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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