i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
