Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
