You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
organizing the empties. That sober.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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