woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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