There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
