Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
