Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm always down for nudity.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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