I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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