I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
