half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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