My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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